Recruiter email fails

I get a LOT of email from recruiters, this is a collection of the strangest:

Hedging their bets:

“We may or may not have spoken in the recent past.”

A bit of desperation?

I know you’re probably thinking “pleeeeease leave me alone” BUT I’m only contacting you because you are fantastic.

The epic essay preamble:

Sometimes I call and people can’t talk because they are sat next to their boss and they tell me to email. Sometimes I email and people complain that it is a very impersonal approach!

Over the years I have analysed and discussed with colleagues what I think is the most effective approach and what I’ve actually concluded is this…
Phone – Email – LinkedIn – Facebook – Text message – Pigeon courier – it is actually completely irrelevant, what it all boils down to is timing. The very fact that I am writing to you now is because I know that you are the type of candidate that my clients would be interested in.

[1 sentence about the job]

So…How was my timing?

More desperation resulting in EXTRA deletion:

I know you get loads of messages – Before you delete this just read the next two lines please

I NEVER want to touch your base:

I have come across your profile and am very interested in touching base with you.

A while? Try never:

I wanted to get in touch as we haven’t spoken in a while.

Oh, well if you lived *near* where I worked then I’m definitely interested:

I noticed your profile and punkchip website this morning and really want to reach out. I used to live really close to Forward’s offices too!